The Beautiful Cult

Don't be thrown by the title, there is a beautiful cult. If I were to utter the feared syllable 'cult' to you, I'm sure images of collectives chanting and praising a foreign and alien cause pollutes you brains. Every synapses of thought breads a negative connotation at the mere utterance of the word 'cult'. Yet during this summer the biggest cult in the world has once again reviled itself as a bringer of hope, love, tolerance and passion.

I am, of course, talking about the cult of football.

I know, I know, football isn't technically a cult, its a sport, surly? Wrong! Football is as much a cult as anything else I can think of. The irrational loyalties, the sporadic indulgence of pleasure, the chastising of individuals and the view that a singular brain dead, charismatic, egotistical person can be elevated to a status of a god are all a defining feature of cults. Football is no exception.

I urge you all to look at football at South America, in particular Argentina. There, football is not just a past time, it is a way of existing. From the age of five, boys are given a football. Not a crucifix, not money, not a flag, a ball, and they worship it. The masters of this circular object become written into folk-law. If you speak to an Argentinean about football, their reply will be "Maradona!". This cheating, ego driven, turd of a man who's mind is fuelled by the fact he can kick (and punch) well and warped by the multiple drugs that have ruined rationality and his grip on reality is the undisputed leader of this cult. He even has his own church for fuck sake! Hero is his playing years, God in his managerial era, a failure in many respects, he is supremely respected. Recently in a bid to gain popularity, Cristina Fernandez, the charismatic (by which I mean HOT) president of Argentina, commissioned a statue of Maradona in Buenos Aires to get a sceptical public on side.

If you were to compare Maradona to other Cult leaders like Jim Joans, L Ron Hubbard and Toney Alamo you will find they share a common ground. They all possess Superficial charm, manipulation skills, (how Maradona convinced a referee he didn’t use his hand is beyond me.)a grandiose sense of self and lack of remorse. Its not just Maradona that posses these qualities, look at Eric Cantona ("I am not a man, I am Cantona!" Knob.) and Jose Morinio, the self professed 'chosen one' who, much like L Ron Hubbard, ran off with a load of money when their promises failed to materialise.

Every team like every cult has its own ideology. Admittedly a lot of the time its WIN or MONEY(another aspect of cults) but if you cast these aside and scratch the surface, you can see all teams, big and small, have ideologies and out looks to rival most cults. FC Barcelona is a great example. It is a symbol of freedom and rebellion in the Basque region of Spain, of beautiful football, big names, egos and promises of glory and superiority. It’s motto: ‘More Than A Club’ says it all. For the city it is not just a mere football team, its an obsession. Citizens parade around the streets of the ‘Camp Nau’ (even the name sounds like a commune!) uniformed in red and blue. This overt existentialism shows who they are, their values and allegiances. They chant in unison , display banners, hand out leaflets and magazines. Sound familiar? Maybe because cults use the same approach to show you their values, their promises and superiority. Go round any football stadium and the same things are repeated. Clubs are eager to recruit new fans and members, even more so than most cults.

Ever tried to challenge a cult member on his beliefs? I don’t recommend it. A torrent of abuse and double-back flip metaphysical , fantastical ARSE TALK usually follows. Now ever told a football fan his/her team are shit? Again, I don’t recommend it. An example I will give is from a football match I went to: Arsenal vs. Everton. Great game! Goals, drama, crunching tackles, finesse, gasp equalisers and deafening support from sixty thousand fans. (a rarity at the Emirates I can tell you!) After the game, while Everton fans trudged off to their coaches to take them back to the nasal and flem-ridden city of Liverpool, a lone gooner (Arsenal fan) showered them with abuse. Within a space of seconds the gooner was on the floor with a contingent of toffees (Everton fans) standing over him, eyes bulging, to transfixed on this man who dare insult their illustrious, faultless Everton to notice the group of gooners running in to protect their brethren and, to put it bluntly, fuck shit up. And fuck shit up they did! Now to me this is far worse than a barrage of words from a conventional cult member, this was GBH! Perhaps Scientology would fuck shit up a bit more sneakily with their private investigators and blackmail but I doubt they would at a drop of a hat kick seven shades out of a random person for saying the wrong thing and the wrong time.

I’m sure many of you now feel that football is even worse than you previously thought but I am in no way lampooning it. I myself am a proud member of this cult! This world cup I was promised greatness, redemption and glory from the English national team. I adorned myself in red and white, chanted the songs, the prayers of a man blinded from truth and rationality. We were going to win! All hale Capello, saviour! Creator of talent! Knower of all things round! But no. Just like all cults, disillusionment set in. England, a team who couldn’t kick themselves out of a wet paper bag, of course, underachieved being knocked out by four goals to one by ‘ze Germans’ .

So what have we leaned? Firstly football is a cult. Secondly it is very similar to a lot of other darker cults. Despite the similarities, there are a lot of differences as well. Football brings people together in more positive ways than, say, the ‘children of god’ cult, who’s idea of ‘bringing people together’ was full blown child rape. Football helps create community, promotes tolerance, keeps you healthy and gives you something to talk about down the pub. Football fans are usually articulate, witty and rational people (most of the time). I am yet to meet a rational cult member from any other cult. Football, the beautiful cult, is a passionate and great affair. I’m sure most other cults say the same about their cults but their wrong. My cult is the best, the ONLY cult worth following! After all, bare-faced denial and ignorance, who can beet it!?